Well, I got five whole hours sleep! I didn't wake up refreshed [that has only occurred once in my life] but I didn't wake up tired. And as a result; I woke up happy and quite cheerful. Although that might have more to do with my psychiatrist increasing my anti-depressant about a week and a half ago.
I decided to do as William Morris suggested and get rid of anything that is not useful or beautiful. Several hours later and I am 12.5 huge, black, bin bags full of rubbish lighter. However I had to stop when the heat and fibromyalgia combined to beat me into submission. I took my usual combination of painkillers and anti-inflammatories to head off the worst of the agony, and allow me to finish the clean up tomorrow. Pity that I'm out of muscle relaxors as those really help.
A few small points though I would like to make about this blog. Firstly, there are a few of you over here from facebook, hi by the way, and are friends with me; please whoever thought that reporting me as a 'credible threat of harm to self' step off. I am NOT going to harm myself. This is called writing, a form of self-expression, I use it to get my feelings OUT of me in safe manner. I have felt these feelings since I was a kid. I am not suddenly going to jump off a bridge because I finally became self-actuated enough to express myself. You are not helping by reporting me, people like you need to understand that by reporting people when they say they are feeling rough just causes the person to go underground with their feelings. That is when depression is dangerous; when it is kept quiet. Here is a hint; talk to me about it. Ask me how I'm feeling at that moment- feelings aren't stationary you know.
Secondly, and I suspect this is the same person, do not make a fake fb account to PM me a message that you are concerned about me and that you plan to let M and P know what I'm saying. Again, step off. All of what I said for the first point is still true. I have a dr, a psychiatrist, a counsellor, a social worker and am getting a therapist and a nurse. I have ENOUGH people who are PAID to care about me. Even if you think otherwise, you barely know me; this is true because no-one really DOES know me, I repeat this because you seem to have trouble understanding this- I am NOT GOING TO HARM MYSELF. And just WHO do you think you are threatening to tell M and P? I am a 30yr old woman who as lived independently since I was 17. I have a home, son and pets, my own Goddamned life! You do not threaten to 'tell' on an adult. You aren't clever, you aren't wise. If you DO decide to 'tell' be aware that you are dead to me, and that is no joke, I mean that you will be totally cut from my life. M and P are not the wonderful be all and end all- they knew I had a tough week, with attending my first therapy session. They have not called me, or spoken to me in over a week. And frankly, I am doing better on my own.
So, now we have gotten that out of the way, I hope that those who read this blog will feel free to speak to me about how I am feeling.
You cope with your life beautifully and needing to air the worst of your feelings doesn't make you incapable of controlling them and using your obvious intelligence to rationalise your feelings and weigh the fact that you have dependants that need you living.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why anyone thought that they needed to tell anyone uninvited about your thoughts and feelings since right from your first post you made it very clear that you can rationalise your self-loathing and are not going to harm yourself with anything physical.
Glad that you had a happier day today, but it scks that the heat set you back and made your illness flair up. Did you get any garden time today? I had a BBQ and loved the sun, but you know how little the sun loves us pale folk ahaha!
Oh no, but I got a little surprise that I will be blogging about in a few wee minutes.... meanwhile, check out the cool new stuff added to each post!
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