That Blue Fog

..........................

********************

Lying in bed asleep,

And a heavy fog envelops me.

I awaken, blue.

My world is numb yet painful,

And my heart feels spikes of agony,

I lie there, blue.

I gather myself and descend the stairs,

To sit in silence and turmoil.

I sit there, blue.

I wish to cry and release the pain,

But my heart doesn't know how to cry.

I feel crushed down, blue.

I sit, crumpled, unloved, broken,

I have no time, no-one to fix me,

I sigh alone, blue.

C.M.

Apologies...

Apologies for the delay in posting- it has been a hectic week....

DS had a review, at which I was completely piled upon.... they are suggesting attachment disorder created by my depression meaning I don't parent correctly.... which I know is incorrect... the SW stopped contact with M and P.... and needs to go over my psychiatric profile with her.

DS viewed his new school, and although he told huge lies the whole time, he was mostly okay, although at the end he did flip out a little when asked to try a school jumper on... 

The big thing was thursday, the day after viewing the school... he woke in a foul mood, and attacked another pupil violently, then a teacher... I was at an appointment, and had to send my grandmother to get him.... he calmed down, but then for two full hours he attacked me. I dropped him off at AFC and went to see the headteacher- he's been suspended until tuesday.

So I phoned his psych and they were mo help, saying 'keep him safe' and phone the police if nessecary- he is EIGHT, I would be laughed out of the country!

The SW turned up and complained that the place was untidy!!!!! I felt so angry, she doesn't understand how impossible it is to wield a mop whenever your child is kicking, punching, slapping, spitting and screaming abuse at you for hours on end! She should be offering help not insults!

She scheduled a psych visit for me, with my new 'report' done alongside it... eurgh...

On friday I had to miss my therapy because nobody was willing to care for DS.... and he's in a destructive mood... they have recommended we go to TH, which is an assessment centre where you live in a flat for three months while being watched 24-7 by cameras. Sigh.....

I have no choice but to leave my life for 3months to become a guinea pig in a cage.... SIGH!

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Sigh what a week!

DS is starting fur afternoons a day, to prepare him for summer scheme when he will be in 4 days ful time and fridays half day..... I cannot wait to see what his day-trips will be \(^_^)/

-Tomorrow in the afternoon is his bi-annual review for all the professionals. And in the evening I have to go to an orientation meeting for my future access course...

-Wednesday is his visit to his future school- I have to remember my camera to take photos of the place to get DS ready to transition- he is completely blocking it out at his current school.

-Thursday is yet another educational review... sigh...

-Friday is therapy day and I'm worried that he will be in trouble in school and I will have to rush out during it...

So when all this is going on the new kitten Miss Spitwick has settled right in, she LOVES Starr... And no sign of pups yet... And at the weekend we are adopting a rescue kitty called Midnight.... hes 6 yr old neutered male, he's a black cat and is beautiful...

Don't worry, no more kitties for me, but there WILL be chickens and rabbits...

I must contact the local school, not the old school, and offer to do some volunteering... creative writing... that would be fun.... and would help towards my future PCGE.

And thank heavens it's med's delivery day, my ankles are killing me,  ahhhhh for a few days of pain free bliss!

Well hello there....

Hi there people, it's been a wee while since I last blogged... there's a few reasons for that; both my dogs are -HEAVILY- pregnant, and we have been having a few 'false alarms'... they are apparently ready to pop in the next 24-48 hrs...

But the good news is we got a new wee rescue cat:

This is Miss Spitwick... she is playing with DS's school-bag; the dogs are dying to play with her... she's letting them sniff her, and let Starr lick her earlier... she's having great fun investigating my house but keeps coming over to me to check I'm still here... she LOVES chatting away... all night she kept chatting to me...

And here are some pictures of the pregnant ladies and my other kitteh:

This is Tat- she was hand raised from a few days old- she thinks I'm her mummy...

This Starr, she is 3.5 and weighs 4lb normally... I reckon she is having 1-2 pups...

This is Sparkle, she is 2.5 and weighs 1lb normally... I reckon she is having 3-4 pups...

I will of course add pictures whenever the ladies have the pups.....

Fibromyalgia fog....

So..... 24hrs straight asleep... thank you fibromyalgia[sarcastic] for that wonderful gift...

I tried to get up at 11.30am and had to retreat back to bed, I still feel exhausted... so this is a short blog dedicated to fibro...

The fog; my brain feels like its been suffocated and no information is coming out...

Tiredness; no seriously, it's really bloody exhausting... I do even a little amount of activity and BAM I'm exhausted for days after and even 24hrs straight sleep does nothing to lift it... I am just as exhausted now as I was before.

Pain; it hurts, a lot, all of the frigging time..... it literally NEVER stops hurting, even after I take all the pain pills I am prescribed. I take tramadol, 30mg codeine, naproxen, robaxin and lyrica... And it, with a LOT of caffeine[seriously THAT is a post on its own] I am barely able to stay standing still.

Stiffness; I am like the tin man before he is oiled. I literally cannot move an inch. I'm still pretty stiff....

Anyway- that's my personal take on it, check out tis fibro blog:

A fibro blog

All about evil fibromyalgia

Anyway- the dogs still seem pregnant[heavily] sometimes and not at others- dang it, if there are pups they better stop hiding!

But I've organised their microchipping and am mid-organizing a vet to come out and give them their jabs.... It takes a lot of organization to breed dogs responsibly.... I'm also adding a clause to say if they cannot care for the dog any more to bring it back to me/not to breed the 1lb dog's pups- they are going to be too small to be bred for un-knowledgeable owners.... I don't know whether to get them their licences at my address for their first year... hmmmmmmm

Too tired to blog anymore- will type more tomorrow...

Patience

What is patience? The Free Dictionary define it as:

pa·tience  (pshns)

n.

1. The capacity, quality, or fact of being patient.

Synonyms: patience, long-suffering, resignation, forbearance
These nouns denote the capacity to endure hardship, difficulty, or inconvenience without complaint. Patience emphasizes calmness, self-control, and the willingness or ability to tolerate delay: Our patience will achieve more than our force (Edmund Burke).
Long-suffering is long and patient endurance, as of wrong or provocation: The general, a man not known for docility and long-suffering, flew into a rage.
Resignation implies acceptance of or submission to something trying, as out of despair or necessity: I undertook the job with an air of resignation.
Forbearance denotes restraint, as in retaliating, demanding what is due, or voicing disapproval: "It is the mutual duty of all to practice Christian forbearance, love, and charity towards each other" (Patrick Henry).

But patience can be described as many things. For instance, I am having to exercise patience now, when the definition above has ruined my ability to begin new paragraphs at the far left of a page- perhaps this is a little 'test' sent from above with the tagline; 'you think you have patience? Well we will just SEE about that!'.

But I digress, patience can be described as not reacting to an aggravating force, but is that really just passive resistance? It can also be described as remaining calm in the face of an intolerable event, but is that not just even temperament?

And why is it associated with the synonyms long-suffering, resignation and forbearance? Is it because patience is practised by those who allow others to trample over their needs and emotions? Does the application of patience mean having to endure wrongs, slights, provocation, trying situations which can even be despairing? Does it mean we cannot right those wrongs; forbearance suggesting no situation where retaliation or even speaking up for oneself is allowed?

Personally I find patience a fickle master. It allows me to tolerate some situations; like the mad ramblings of a neurotic cabby or my child asking me the same question for the ninetieth time that morning, but disallows it at other times, mostly notably when speaking to certain people.

In my case, I find that as I am of even temperament, and have a strong sense of justice and morality[thanks to all those superheroes I grew up watching] that I tend to have more patience with those who cannot help their behaviour; such as the young, and the learning impaired. My patience runs out with selfish people, or immoral people, and is MOST tried by those who are simply idiots.

We all know an idiot; the one who thinks they are the best, all-knowing, most perfect specimen of humanity ever to grace Mother Earth. If you don't; it's you, but also, if everyone you meet seems to be an idiot, it's likely to be you again, either that or you badly need to move house!

However, the best reward for patience is a little Schadenfraude in it's completion... when you have been patient, even though the guy is an idiot who is a rude bully, and the universe suddenly says 'woah there buddy, you're being a total pr*ck, here; have a buttload of karma.' 

These are the best moments of revenge, where you can cackle internally and know the bully can't blame you....

Garden Plans:

I am getting my garden done in the next couple of months, and as my garden is quite big, it is going to cost a small fortune!

The garden needs this done:

1. shed cleared[not a lot in it], underneath cleared out, painted inside and out/flooring put in
2. run cleared and scrubbed/wood and metal painted/lock fixed[possibility of needing a new fence on one side built which would need painted]
3. big area of scrub cleared, dug, covered with polythene, covered with gravel/big boulders put in
4. edges cleared and covered with gravel
5. raised planters put along all edges
6. fences painted
7. small scrub area completely cleared and dug over and smoothed down/ chicken coop and short fence/run added
8. walls washed down and painted- one lower half of the house[only on the side wall], and one big tall back wall[it is just the pebble dashed area is that is needing done, not including where there is ivy]
9. gate sanded back down and repainted, new lock put on it,screening material added to provide privacy/extra security for the dogs
10. rest of area power-washed and cleared
11. rabbit hutch placed with run/ very small shed built/ table and chairs[picnic table] built/ tool box built/small shelf style greenhouse built[I would also like the wooden stuff painted]
12. window sills on whole house painted
13. the fence at the front[very small metal one] sanded and painted
14. remove bush from very small front area and place tall planters
15. sand and repaint hanging basket hooks and new hanging baskets added
16. a  swing or rocking item for DS to be placed

I'm going for the Japanese Rock Garden look

What is a Japanese Rock Garden?

I cannot wait! I will be getting a few rescued battery hens for eggs, a rabbit and a guinea pig once it is done. I will show you guys pictures when it is all done of the before and after difference.

This is who I am ordering the hutches/coop from!

Anyway, I spoke to DS's psychiatrist yesterday and she suggested him not going to school, and me monitoring his behaviour. So he went to bed yesterday with zero drama, woke up with zero drama, got dressed with zero drama, went to the post office where there was a huge queue[usually a trigger] with zero drama, went to a shop with zero drama, went off with T for a day at the allotment with baby N with....guess what; zero drama. And even when I called T's phone after the therapy session, DS answered and spoke to me with zero drama... really; the justifiable response is I am thinking that it is the SCHOOL which is creating the drama! ESPECIALLY since all the trouble began the day DS began nursery school. And that in other situations; at AFC[childcare], M and P's, out with B1 or B2, or their wives, or with me when I have things set up for his difficulties there is very few meltdowns!

Ahhhhhhh therapy.... scary biscuits. It was explained to me that my brain is like a circle with a line through it, on one side is my memories that I am conscious and aware of. The line in the middle is like a policeman who keeps all the memories in the other side, subconscious/unaware... and by talking to her we are making the policeman guard less of the circle and allowing more memories come to the surface. HEY! That's two analogies involving policemen in less than a week! I'm going to give any policemen reading this a complex! Also it is a combination of conscious and subconscious that guides my actions- so it's something in my subconscious triggering my panic attacks when it seems there is no reason to be scared, and by talking we can find out why I panic and how to defeat it! What a LOVELY positive thought, even though I'm slightly sceptical about that one...

We discussed anger, confusion and emotions coming to the surface. Also my being careful I don't get influenced too much by people I know- but you know, I've been an island unto myself for so long that that is pretty much par for the course.

I explained how difficult it is for me to be open and emotional as I was raised to always have a happy face, never have a bad day, never speak of a negative event after it happens, never share anything with anyone. As I already know; I have a high IQ, and a terrible EI.

What IS emotional intelligence?

E.I. Quiz

Here are my results of that quiz:

Your results indicate a low score on emotional intelligence.

What Does Your Score Mean?

People with a low score on emotional intelligence may have a difficult time interpreting, understanding, and acting on emotions. They often have difficulty expressing their own emotions and feel uncomfortable around the emotional displays of other people. In some cases, those who score low may experience low self-esteem, poor self-confidence, and may have difficulty feeling empathy and showing love for others. 

I disagree with empathy as an issue- I feel emotion so strongly I often suspect that I am entirely made OF empathy! And the showing love one is confusing; because with DS, it is EASY to show him love. I say it to him frequently throughout the day, every time we seperate for childcare, a visit to M and P's, going to school etc as well as first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. However; for everyone else,  it is true. I both crave and am terrified of hugs, saying I love[or even like] you, or any 'mushy stuff'. I become INCREDIBLY uncomfortable the second people express positive emotion for each other. Even in films and even though M and P were always loving to one another growing up. Hopefully the therapy will help me get better EI.

The HV was just here and I updated her on all the up-datable stuff- she is helping me with a referral to the enuresis clinic for DS's bed-wetting issue and she is getting me some more rubber sheets! And I know it's rubber sheets but woohoo free stuff! I also asked her opinion on pests such as flies... no help there but damnit I can google!

How to control flies in the house...

Still a bunch of idiots....

So DH was playing up in school again, so they called me in at 10:30 to take him home. I got there in 10mins and he grinned when he saw me... then the idiot teacher says 'don't hit mummy', so of course to a child with ODD that's petrol to a flame.

What the heck is O.D.D.?

So he attacked me, grabbed my breasts and twisted them painfully shouting how he wanted to give me cancer, and destroyed my good glasses[just as well I have a spare pair...] So we went home with him grabbing and kicking and punching and screaming and generally acting awful. I got him home and he started saying; 'you are working with the school to kill me!'

So, of course I called his psychiatrist and explained, as 30mins after me picking him up [exactly like every day] he was calm and peaceful, just like when the SW came around yesterday. The psychiatrist advised that he isn't to go to school until next wednesday and I have to take notes on his behaviour every 30mins. Then he is to go back on wednesday and more notes- then in the afternoon I have to call her and tell her what went on. It seems very likely that he will not be going back to school.

Also we are visiting CW [aka the new school] on the week of the 11th- probably the wednesday.... I invited the SW along as she is very concerned about the placement and the school....

I believe DS has this and the new school will help because of rigid rules and timetables...

Just talked to the SC school- my lord they're idiots. The staff didn't even know half of what was going on... I had to tell them... sighhhh... I'm surrounded by stupid, stupid people!

His review is the day before, most likely he will be recommended for medication or the parental unit so the can observe his behaviour in an environment with cameras and support- although I think since his problems are psychiatric and emotional; a behavioural unit is not appropriate. But it's a likely first move towards him entering a secure unit.... He might get both...

What is it like in a secure childrens' unit?

Then on the friday it will be my fourth therapy session[second one tomorrow] and I am dreading it...

I have to say one thing- an ipad is a God-send for DS... it keeps him quiet and happy and even though he didn't go to sleep until 11, and woke at 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,  and 7, it meant he could sit quietly and not sent me insane.... Although I pray he sleeps tonight!

Remember the lost angel babies....

Remember 

Remember when discouraged,

A little star shines above,

It glow with the heart of a sweet one,

And showers you with love.

For Michella... by MsGosh.

What a bunch of IDIOTS!

So I've finished scrubbing my house from top to bottom, including the front yard bit... the house stinks of cleaning products and I have a spine that feels like it is on fire. All is well.

Except it isn't; that IDIOT school has struck again. It's bad enough that DS only goes for three hours a day, IF they let him in. And it's bad enough that when he is in there they don't make him do 'the hard work' because they don't want to deal with the fallout, but today was ridiculous.

I dropped him off at 9am. 10am rolls around and I'm mopping the floors when my phone rings; it's the school secretary. 

"Hi C, this is the secretary at DS's school. DS wasn't wanting to do any work today and the teacher asked if he wanted to go home and he said yes. So can you pick him up?''

EXCUSE ME?! Ask ANY preteen do they want to get to get out of doing work and they will.

What a lot of hooey!

This is an accurate description of his school staff.

I got his new statement and the letter with which to accept his movement to the new school and arranging the transport across to it- given that it is on the complete other side of the city.

OH and I discovered the STUPID STUPID STUPID woman who is DS's assistant hasn't trained as an assistant for kids with special needs... she's trained as a secretary... basically she got the job of loking after the severest kid in the school beause she is the principal's DAUGHTER. Eurgh- nepotism!

I was meant to find out today when we go for his visittt....heeeeey I wonder if THAT is why we got an impromptu free day?

I have said a big giant 'FUCK YOU' to their uber strict rules on uniform too... they don't like it, I don't care because the 'getting ready in the morning' game has changed in length from 2.5hrs to 15minutes.... ahhhhhhhh ...... 

Annnnnnyway I took a 'do you have aspergers, no really DO you?' quiz, and guess what? I got a really high score... as in higher than my friends who HAVE a diagnosis of aspergers! Lookit:

I mean, just look at it... nearly nothing in the neuro-typical area; no wonder my kid didn't stand a chance!

You wanna take it too?

Are you aspergers, no REALLY are you aspergers?!

The blue column on the left hand side is where you'll find out if you are rain-man like me!

Just a little to tide you over.....

Just a short post today because I am mid-spring clean..... but just a little image to keep you going- long post to follow this evening:

EXCUSE ME?!

I RECEIVED  TWO TEXTS TONIGHT FROM A PERSON ASKING ME TO STOP WRITING ABOUT THEM ON THIS BLOG. 

THESE PEOPLE DO NOT USE FB, SO SOMEBODY TOLD THEM ABOUT IT; IT BECAME PRETTY SELF EVIDENT AS TO WHO IT IS WHEN I DISCOVERED A HAD UN-FRIENDED ME ON FB. 

JUST A HEADS UP A, YOU KNOW M AND P A FEW YEARS. 

YOU DON'T KNOW THEM.

ANYWAY I WAS TOLD TO STOP WRITING OR M WOULD SEEK THE ADVISE OF A SOLICITOR, AND WILL SEE IF I CAN BE SUED FOR LIBEL. 

libel (for written, broadcast, or otherwise published words)—is the communication of a statement that makes a claim, expressly stated or implied to be factual, that may give an individual, business, product, group, government, or nation a negative image. 

This can be also any disparaging statement made by one person about another, which is communicated or published, whether true or false, depending on legal state. 

In Common Law it is usually a requirement that this claim be false and that the publication is communicated to someone other than the person defamed (the claimant).^[1]

In common law jurisdictions, slander refers to a malicious, false,^[2] and defamatory spoken statement or report, while libel refers to any other form of communication such as written words or images.

I HAVE NOT SAID ANYTHING THAT IS NOT TRUE, AND I SWEAR THAT ON THE LIFE OF DS. 

ALL MY WRITINGS ARE BASED UPON MY SUBJECTIVE MEMORIES OF EVENTS THAT OCCURRED TO ME. 

EVERYONE MENTIONED HAS ANONYMITY AS I DO NOT USE THEIR NAMES/JOBS/AGES[APART FROM DS AND MYSELF]/RELATIONSHIPS/PHOTOS/INITIALS ETC. 

I WILL NOT NAME AND SHAME, IF YOU RECOGNIZE YOURSELF, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE.

I AM NOT TRYING TO SHAME YOU, TO EMBARRASS YOU, TO LIE ABOUT YOU, I AM MERELY WORKING THROUGH MY MEMORIES IN ORDER TO BECOME A BETTER PERSON. 

I AM ATTENDING THERAPY TO WORK THROUGH MY ISSUES. 

I WRITE TO EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS. 

I DO NOT WISH TO PUT BARRIERS UP, AS I AM TRYING TO BREAK BARRIERS DOWN- PERHAPS YOU HAVE BARRIERS IN YOUR PAST THAT YOU NEED TO BREAK DOWN TOO. 

YOUR SUPPORT IS KIND, BUT UN-NECESSARY; I AM AN ADULT-LET ME STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET.

YOUR INTOLERANCE OF MY 'WASHING THE DIRTY LINEN IN PUBLIC' IS ANTIQUATED AND UNHELPFUL.

I AM NOT TRYING TO HURT YOU, STOP TRYING TO HURT ME.

OH AND STOP TELLING PEOPLE I TAKE DRUGS; I TAKE MEDICATION FOR A MEDICAL CONDITION- IT MAY BE A HIDDEN ILLNESS BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS REAL OR PAINFUL TO LIVE WITH. 

I AM NOT 'ADDICTED TO HAPPY PILLS' LIKE CELEBS, I TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS TO KEEP ME FROM MY SEVERE DEPRESSION. I DO NOT WISH TO END UP LIKE A BELOVED FAMILY MEMBER- I WISH TO FIGHT THE DEPRESSION AND WIN.

I WILL CONTINUE THERAPY, I WILL CONTINUE BLOGGING[WHICH WILL PROBABLY ONLY CONTAIN FLEETING REFERENCES TO YOU: APPROX 0.01% OF THE TOTAL CONTENT] AND I WILL GO BACK AND FINISH MY EDUCATION.

I CAN DO THIS WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR SUPPORT- YOU MAKE THE DECISION, EITHER WAY WORKS FOR ME.

Am I over-reacting?

Am I over-reacting that he is this red on his face, neck, arms and legs?

Blue....

Blue

When you feel blue,

And he world seems too much,

Remember people love you,

Remember you're their crutch.

And feel the peace expanding,

And the love envelope you,

You do a job; outstanding,

And we all love you.

By Chris.

(For Hazel)

Sunburn... continued...

So.

I sent the text to M this morning about what I mentioned last night.

Apparently it's:

1. Not a big deal.
2. My son's fault because he didn't like the suncream.
3. I didn't send any cream with him[this is true, she gets factor 50 free on prescription and I thought there was therefore no need to send any.]
4. Other people got burned more.
5. Factor fifty is apparently the most there is.
6. M couldn't keep DS in the shade.

Actually it IS a pretty big deal, you CAN get higher than factor 50[and you can reapply it regularly], you don't let an 8yr old dictate a matter of health and safety. Also, 'everyone else was doing it' is NOT an excuse and strikes me as a particularly childish response.

I detailed why suburn is bad on the previous post- but I lightened the mood [as I got a moody 'oh and it was nice to get a thank you for minding your son.'] by trying to explain that the SW and school would likely report this as a problem.

DS was in agony, he couldn't bear to have his collar on his shirt closed... he has Sensory Processing Disorder and therefore what would be a level 3 pain for us is a level 10 pain for him. I gave him painkillers and put on some aftersun cream, then told him he would have to be brave. He also said no sun cream was applied friday and saturday. Grrrrr.

I also used the time to explain how to stay sun-safe:

• Slip on a t-shirt.
• Slap on a hat.
• Slop on suncream.
• REAPPLY the cream every hour and use factor 50 or above.
• Stay in the shade as much as possible.
• Wear sunglasses since sun damages eyes too!

Also; ever wondered how to explain pain and painkillers to a kid with special needs? Well here is how I did it:

Inside your body there are lots of different road [nerves] and these all go to your brain. When you get hurt a man in a car [pain message] drives from the 'ouchie' [damaged part] to the the brain so it can tell you to do something to stop the pain.

Painkillers have little policemen [chemicals] inside that set up road blocks and stop the man in the car reaching the brain. Policemen work better when you take them with food because when they aren't hungry they work faster. 

Every four hours the policeman finishes his shift [stops being effective/runs out] and a NEW policeman painkiller] has to go on shift to keep the road block going. Towards the end of the shift the policeman might get tired [becomes less effective] and a few men in cars can sneak through to the brain.

This analogy worked well as he understood how things work and it is factually correct so that when he learns the biological way it works he won't get confused.

How do painkillers work?

On the other 'situation', I asked M NOT to speak to DS about money again. She replied that he brought it up [which incidentally was her story when she 'taught' my son to ask for money for studding his dog with mine] and that she said she did not know to him. I asked DS directly, and like the studding incident, he said 'NO, she asked me.' Hmmmmm, I will keep an eye on this.

DS EVENTUALLY went to sleep at 2:30am, so I am exhausted, and so is he. Which will make the pain feel worse. Poor kid.

Caffeine

Caffeine holds my world together,

It gives it form

Structure,

Energy.

It moulds me into a human,

It keeps me awake,

Alert,

Able.

Without it I am a shell,

It makes me whole,

Intense,

Real.

Without it I am,

Nothing.

All About Caffeine