That Blue Fog

..........................

********************

Lying in bed asleep,

And a heavy fog envelops me.

I awaken, blue.

My world is numb yet painful,

And my heart feels spikes of agony,

I lie there, blue.

I gather myself and descend the stairs,

To sit in silence and turmoil.

I sit there, blue.

I wish to cry and release the pain,

But my heart doesn't know how to cry.

I feel crushed down, blue.

I sit, crumpled, unloved, broken,

I have no time, no-one to fix me,

I sigh alone, blue.

C.M.

Apologies...

Apologies for the delay in posting- it has been a hectic week....

DS had a review, at which I was completely piled upon.... they are suggesting attachment disorder created by my depression meaning I don't parent correctly.... which I know is incorrect... the SW stopped contact with M and P.... and needs to go over my psychiatric profile with her.

DS viewed his new school, and although he told huge lies the whole time, he was mostly okay, although at the end he did flip out a little when asked to try a school jumper on... 

The big thing was thursday, the day after viewing the school... he woke in a foul mood, and attacked another pupil violently, then a teacher... I was at an appointment, and had to send my grandmother to get him.... he calmed down, but then for two full hours he attacked me. I dropped him off at AFC and went to see the headteacher- he's been suspended until tuesday.

So I phoned his psych and they were mo help, saying 'keep him safe' and phone the police if nessecary- he is EIGHT, I would be laughed out of the country!

The SW turned up and complained that the place was untidy!!!!! I felt so angry, she doesn't understand how impossible it is to wield a mop whenever your child is kicking, punching, slapping, spitting and screaming abuse at you for hours on end! She should be offering help not insults!

She scheduled a psych visit for me, with my new 'report' done alongside it... eurgh...

On friday I had to miss my therapy because nobody was willing to care for DS.... and he's in a destructive mood... they have recommended we go to TH, which is an assessment centre where you live in a flat for three months while being watched 24-7 by cameras. Sigh.....

I have no choice but to leave my life for 3months to become a guinea pig in a cage.... SIGH!

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Sigh what a week!

DS is starting fur afternoons a day, to prepare him for summer scheme when he will be in 4 days ful time and fridays half day..... I cannot wait to see what his day-trips will be \(^_^)/

-Tomorrow in the afternoon is his bi-annual review for all the professionals. And in the evening I have to go to an orientation meeting for my future access course...

-Wednesday is his visit to his future school- I have to remember my camera to take photos of the place to get DS ready to transition- he is completely blocking it out at his current school.

-Thursday is yet another educational review... sigh...

-Friday is therapy day and I'm worried that he will be in trouble in school and I will have to rush out during it...

So when all this is going on the new kitten Miss Spitwick has settled right in, she LOVES Starr... And no sign of pups yet... And at the weekend we are adopting a rescue kitty called Midnight.... hes 6 yr old neutered male, he's a black cat and is beautiful...

Don't worry, no more kitties for me, but there WILL be chickens and rabbits...

I must contact the local school, not the old school, and offer to do some volunteering... creative writing... that would be fun.... and would help towards my future PCGE.

And thank heavens it's med's delivery day, my ankles are killing me,  ahhhhh for a few days of pain free bliss!

Well hello there....

Hi there people, it's been a wee while since I last blogged... there's a few reasons for that; both my dogs are -HEAVILY- pregnant, and we have been having a few 'false alarms'... they are apparently ready to pop in the next 24-48 hrs...

But the good news is we got a new wee rescue cat:

This is Miss Spitwick... she is playing with DS's school-bag; the dogs are dying to play with her... she's letting them sniff her, and let Starr lick her earlier... she's having great fun investigating my house but keeps coming over to me to check I'm still here... she LOVES chatting away... all night she kept chatting to me...

And here are some pictures of the pregnant ladies and my other kitteh:

This is Tat- she was hand raised from a few days old- she thinks I'm her mummy...

This Starr, she is 3.5 and weighs 4lb normally... I reckon she is having 1-2 pups...

This is Sparkle, she is 2.5 and weighs 1lb normally... I reckon she is having 3-4 pups...

I will of course add pictures whenever the ladies have the pups.....

Fibromyalgia fog....

So..... 24hrs straight asleep... thank you fibromyalgia[sarcastic] for that wonderful gift...

I tried to get up at 11.30am and had to retreat back to bed, I still feel exhausted... so this is a short blog dedicated to fibro...

The fog; my brain feels like its been suffocated and no information is coming out...

Tiredness; no seriously, it's really bloody exhausting... I do even a little amount of activity and BAM I'm exhausted for days after and even 24hrs straight sleep does nothing to lift it... I am just as exhausted now as I was before.

Pain; it hurts, a lot, all of the frigging time..... it literally NEVER stops hurting, even after I take all the pain pills I am prescribed. I take tramadol, 30mg codeine, naproxen, robaxin and lyrica... And it, with a LOT of caffeine[seriously THAT is a post on its own] I am barely able to stay standing still.

Stiffness; I am like the tin man before he is oiled. I literally cannot move an inch. I'm still pretty stiff....

Anyway- that's my personal take on it, check out tis fibro blog:

A fibro blog

All about evil fibromyalgia

Anyway- the dogs still seem pregnant[heavily] sometimes and not at others- dang it, if there are pups they better stop hiding!

But I've organised their microchipping and am mid-organizing a vet to come out and give them their jabs.... It takes a lot of organization to breed dogs responsibly.... I'm also adding a clause to say if they cannot care for the dog any more to bring it back to me/not to breed the 1lb dog's pups- they are going to be too small to be bred for un-knowledgeable owners.... I don't know whether to get them their licences at my address for their first year... hmmmmmmm

Too tired to blog anymore- will type more tomorrow...

Patience

What is patience? The Free Dictionary define it as:

pa·tience  (pshns)

n.

1. The capacity, quality, or fact of being patient.

Synonyms: patience, long-suffering, resignation, forbearance
These nouns denote the capacity to endure hardship, difficulty, or inconvenience without complaint. Patience emphasizes calmness, self-control, and the willingness or ability to tolerate delay: Our patience will achieve more than our force (Edmund Burke).
Long-suffering is long and patient endurance, as of wrong or provocation: The general, a man not known for docility and long-suffering, flew into a rage.
Resignation implies acceptance of or submission to something trying, as out of despair or necessity: I undertook the job with an air of resignation.
Forbearance denotes restraint, as in retaliating, demanding what is due, or voicing disapproval: "It is the mutual duty of all to practice Christian forbearance, love, and charity towards each other" (Patrick Henry).

But patience can be described as many things. For instance, I am having to exercise patience now, when the definition above has ruined my ability to begin new paragraphs at the far left of a page- perhaps this is a little 'test' sent from above with the tagline; 'you think you have patience? Well we will just SEE about that!'.

But I digress, patience can be described as not reacting to an aggravating force, but is that really just passive resistance? It can also be described as remaining calm in the face of an intolerable event, but is that not just even temperament?

And why is it associated with the synonyms long-suffering, resignation and forbearance? Is it because patience is practised by those who allow others to trample over their needs and emotions? Does the application of patience mean having to endure wrongs, slights, provocation, trying situations which can even be despairing? Does it mean we cannot right those wrongs; forbearance suggesting no situation where retaliation or even speaking up for oneself is allowed?

Personally I find patience a fickle master. It allows me to tolerate some situations; like the mad ramblings of a neurotic cabby or my child asking me the same question for the ninetieth time that morning, but disallows it at other times, mostly notably when speaking to certain people.

In my case, I find that as I am of even temperament, and have a strong sense of justice and morality[thanks to all those superheroes I grew up watching] that I tend to have more patience with those who cannot help their behaviour; such as the young, and the learning impaired. My patience runs out with selfish people, or immoral people, and is MOST tried by those who are simply idiots.

We all know an idiot; the one who thinks they are the best, all-knowing, most perfect specimen of humanity ever to grace Mother Earth. If you don't; it's you, but also, if everyone you meet seems to be an idiot, it's likely to be you again, either that or you badly need to move house!

However, the best reward for patience is a little Schadenfraude in it's completion... when you have been patient, even though the guy is an idiot who is a rude bully, and the universe suddenly says 'woah there buddy, you're being a total pr*ck, here; have a buttload of karma.' 

These are the best moments of revenge, where you can cackle internally and know the bully can't blame you....

Garden Plans:

I am getting my garden done in the next couple of months, and as my garden is quite big, it is going to cost a small fortune!

The garden needs this done:

1. shed cleared[not a lot in it], underneath cleared out, painted inside and out/flooring put in
2. run cleared and scrubbed/wood and metal painted/lock fixed[possibility of needing a new fence on one side built which would need painted]
3. big area of scrub cleared, dug, covered with polythene, covered with gravel/big boulders put in
4. edges cleared and covered with gravel
5. raised planters put along all edges
6. fences painted
7. small scrub area completely cleared and dug over and smoothed down/ chicken coop and short fence/run added
8. walls washed down and painted- one lower half of the house[only on the side wall], and one big tall back wall[it is just the pebble dashed area is that is needing done, not including where there is ivy]
9. gate sanded back down and repainted, new lock put on it,screening material added to provide privacy/extra security for the dogs
10. rest of area power-washed and cleared
11. rabbit hutch placed with run/ very small shed built/ table and chairs[picnic table] built/ tool box built/small shelf style greenhouse built[I would also like the wooden stuff painted]
12. window sills on whole house painted
13. the fence at the front[very small metal one] sanded and painted
14. remove bush from very small front area and place tall planters
15. sand and repaint hanging basket hooks and new hanging baskets added
16. a  swing or rocking item for DS to be placed

I'm going for the Japanese Rock Garden look

What is a Japanese Rock Garden?

I cannot wait! I will be getting a few rescued battery hens for eggs, a rabbit and a guinea pig once it is done. I will show you guys pictures when it is all done of the before and after difference.

This is who I am ordering the hutches/coop from!

Anyway, I spoke to DS's psychiatrist yesterday and she suggested him not going to school, and me monitoring his behaviour. So he went to bed yesterday with zero drama, woke up with zero drama, got dressed with zero drama, went to the post office where there was a huge queue[usually a trigger] with zero drama, went to a shop with zero drama, went off with T for a day at the allotment with baby N with....guess what; zero drama. And even when I called T's phone after the therapy session, DS answered and spoke to me with zero drama... really; the justifiable response is I am thinking that it is the SCHOOL which is creating the drama! ESPECIALLY since all the trouble began the day DS began nursery school. And that in other situations; at AFC[childcare], M and P's, out with B1 or B2, or their wives, or with me when I have things set up for his difficulties there is very few meltdowns!

Ahhhhhhh therapy.... scary biscuits. It was explained to me that my brain is like a circle with a line through it, on one side is my memories that I am conscious and aware of. The line in the middle is like a policeman who keeps all the memories in the other side, subconscious/unaware... and by talking to her we are making the policeman guard less of the circle and allowing more memories come to the surface. HEY! That's two analogies involving policemen in less than a week! I'm going to give any policemen reading this a complex! Also it is a combination of conscious and subconscious that guides my actions- so it's something in my subconscious triggering my panic attacks when it seems there is no reason to be scared, and by talking we can find out why I panic and how to defeat it! What a LOVELY positive thought, even though I'm slightly sceptical about that one...

We discussed anger, confusion and emotions coming to the surface. Also my being careful I don't get influenced too much by people I know- but you know, I've been an island unto myself for so long that that is pretty much par for the course.

I explained how difficult it is for me to be open and emotional as I was raised to always have a happy face, never have a bad day, never speak of a negative event after it happens, never share anything with anyone. As I already know; I have a high IQ, and a terrible EI.

What IS emotional intelligence?

E.I. Quiz

Here are my results of that quiz:

Your results indicate a low score on emotional intelligence.

What Does Your Score Mean?

People with a low score on emotional intelligence may have a difficult time interpreting, understanding, and acting on emotions. They often have difficulty expressing their own emotions and feel uncomfortable around the emotional displays of other people. In some cases, those who score low may experience low self-esteem, poor self-confidence, and may have difficulty feeling empathy and showing love for others. 

I disagree with empathy as an issue- I feel emotion so strongly I often suspect that I am entirely made OF empathy! And the showing love one is confusing; because with DS, it is EASY to show him love. I say it to him frequently throughout the day, every time we seperate for childcare, a visit to M and P's, going to school etc as well as first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. However; for everyone else,  it is true. I both crave and am terrified of hugs, saying I love[or even like] you, or any 'mushy stuff'. I become INCREDIBLY uncomfortable the second people express positive emotion for each other. Even in films and even though M and P were always loving to one another growing up. Hopefully the therapy will help me get better EI.

The HV was just here and I updated her on all the up-datable stuff- she is helping me with a referral to the enuresis clinic for DS's bed-wetting issue and she is getting me some more rubber sheets! And I know it's rubber sheets but woohoo free stuff! I also asked her opinion on pests such as flies... no help there but damnit I can google!

How to control flies in the house...